How have I been managing my autistics traits?

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What are some of my struggles in social situations all my life?

I don’t like surprises (I can’t just talk over the cubicle to someone when someone over the other end of the room calls out my name.).

New situations will constantly arise that push our sensory buttons, cause us to panic, trigger meltdowns.

aspergirls

It takes me a long time to come back to what I was working on after an interruption (when a social call or meeting is planned, then I’m happy to attend because I’m prepared) I still find the whole experience tiring and draining and the first thing I do usually is to just get myself to a room to recharge before I get back at it again.

Part of this is to be prepared, to get jumped on by random people at random time.

My mind loves to analyse everything – Given I’m in an office environment, when everyone is talking to everyone and I can hear their conversations, then I will try to analyse everything, everyone, all at once. I won’t get any work done.

I get triggered when I’m interrupted or when I have to repeat myself.

I have a very specific way of doing things so I need to be very careful of this especially with people at work. When I get better at my craft, I tend to judge others and get frustrated I could do it better than them and they should do it my way.

I don’t do sarcasm | bantering | metaphor | hints | jokes | hypothesis | insults | small talk:

I might say something which can sound like sarcasm but I was just stating the truth. But I can still understand sarcasm.

I find bantering unnecessary and could never learn how to master this. I had tried before but it always came out wrong. I was at best clumsy.

I love metaphors and always enjoy hearing one but I seldom use it. But I still don’t take things literally 

I don’t take subtle hints. I prefer things to be told to me quite simply and literally.

It takes me a while to understand jokes sometimes than most people. I do understand most jokes but I don’t tell jokes a lot or just for the sake of it.

I had been told I don’t entertain hypotheses e.g. when you’re in a bus and you don’t get up for an elderly and then the hypothesis. My response would be, that won’t happen because I wouldn’t not give up my seat.

I get very uncomfortable when watching 2 people insulting each other just for fun or for the sake of it.

I hate small talks so I practice social avoidance. But I’d learnt how to do this. I even attended a short course on small talks!

I sound flat when I’m nervous

I don’t have a lot of facial expressions but have got more facial expressions ever since I transitioned. Would this be due to gender dysphoria rather than autism?

I can’t read social cue or body language naturally. I was told I made good eye contact. I don’t think I have problem making eye contact but I can recall when Bhargavi stood in front of me once at work. She asked me a question which I answered succinctly. But she just stood there staring into my eye. Non-stop stare down. I felt instantly uncomfortable and moved my eye away. If I didn’t move, she would have kept staring for hours.

I can recall when I used to always try to please people and not to make waves. I did this quite successfully, by hiding myself. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to act out and misbehave to get attention. It was more that I thought by hiding myself, people would accept me more. I would describe myself as one of those people who were well-behaved, but if someone scrutinize me carefully, they would notice I was socially awkward with botched interactions. I never knew what I did wrong socially, so a profound sense of confusion, alienation and guilt crept into my psyches, displacing normal childhood emotions.

I overthink a problem but I was trying to think the feeling away by going through all the scenarios of social situations what someone will say or do

I cannot find a common object of interest and share it with another person e.g. I pick up Pokemon Go but only interested in playing by myself. When Hol took it on so we could play together, I lost interest.

I grew up withdrawn and always internalizing my thoughts (I had never really experienced emotions or even understood what my emotions are except anger and money).

H. brought plush toys into my life and it was the first time I experienced care, love, sadness. H. can only communicate emotions and feelings to me via plush toys.

H. would say that I am only mimicking emotions how to feel but I could never really feel the emotion inside me like most people.

I could and learnt to mimic emotions by watching films and understood what emotions romantic love could elicit.

In a social situation, I don’t interact spontaneously and it’s usually a stressful and confusing event I struggle to navigate. During this struggle, I would be quiet and withdrawn before I learnt a small talk technique called DODO. You would hear me start talking as soon as I hear something in common and say something. When a conversation just keeps going without touching on any common ground with me, then I could sit there quietly saying nothing until the event finishes.

Neurotypical people socialize to engage and connect with others. For me, I socialize so I could keep ticking a checklist of small talk techniques.

I used to practise selective mutism. I can recall turning up unannounced at Jeff&Sari’s place. I would just sit there and not talk. Until Sari brought up Kylie Minogue or Spice Girls, then I would start yapping like there was no tomorrow. At the same time, ignoring Jeff in the same room.

I would talk in soft, slurred speech sometimes. When I said something to Kerry on the video once, but Kerry couldn’t hear me. Debbie then commented I spoke too softly.

I never winged or complained about anything. When powdering up my nose in the ladies once, Myra commented about me never complaining about anything at all.

When I was high on M, my emotions came pouring out. Emotions I never thought I had. 

I used to entertain my thoughts and analysed everything, everyone, all at once. This then led me to a bad trip or paranoia.