It really made a lot of sense (part 1)

I got a diagnosis and I am on the autistic spectrum. At first, I thought all I had was social anxiety but thinking back now, it really made a lot of sense to me.

My social anxiety was a result of my autism. My depression was a result of my gender dysphoria.

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Mental illness could be triggered by environmental causes or traumatic events in one’s lifetime, whereas developmental disorders are present at birth and continue into adulthood. To me, the social world has always been scary and unpredictable. It doesn’t help when I love to analyse everything to death, with intense mental focus.

In hindsight, a lot of my behaviours fell into the AS: fear of change, emotional immaturity, obsessive behaviour, need for control, inflexibility and self-absorption. But they all sounded more like judgements, as if knowing what the problem was, I should therefore, be able to change it. This then led me to conclude there was nothing wrong with me, there was something wrong with everyone else. This also shutdown the possibility that I could be on the AS.

What essentially was my diagnosis?

First thing first, my psychiatrist’s diagnosis puts me right on the borderline. I could have been easily put into a subset of the broader autism phenotype, which describes individuals who may not have ASD but do have autistic-like traits, such as social deficits. Instead, my psychiatrist suggested I had just enough traits to put me on the autism spectrum. One thing I want to make clear, I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I am not of the profound autism. To receive this profound autism diagnosis, you need to demonstrate significant development difficulties, such as “gross deficits in language development” and “a pervasive lack of responsiveness to other people”.

Telling a person with Asperger’s to just ‘get on with it’ is like telling a person in a wheelchair to take the stairs if they want to get to the second floor

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Secondly, my psychiatrist puts me on one end of the spectrum i.e. high functioning autism (aka Asperger’s Syndrome). This means I am on the autistic spectrum but without the intellectual impairments. All my autism traits are mostly social interactions related.

Thirdly, autism is hereditary. I always suspected I have family members who are also on the spectrum.

What autism traits don’t I have?

Firstly, I don’t always tell the truth no matter what. I do tell lies to avoid awkward situations or hurting others’ feelings. Although I remembered telling my best friend’s ex, his dancing was hideous on the dancefloor.

Autism is a persistent developmental disorder, evident from early childhood, that affects almost 1 in every 150 Australian children. 

assistance dogs australia

Secondly, I don’t take things literally. What it means is, I understand when someone says, rub your feet before you come into the house, doesn’t mean taking off your shoes and rub your feet.

Thirdly, I am not highly sensitive to noise or lights. Or any other senses that I am aware of.

Lastly, aspie usually has stimming. I can’t think of any stimming for me other than rubbing my eyes and nose repetitively at night or when I’m in an uncomfortable situation. I doubt they would be counted as stimming (touch). The other stimming I would probably say is listening to favourite music repetitively (sound). I can recall I used to scratch my head full of dandruffs and smell them repeatedly (smell). This happened a lot when I was stressed or anxious.

Fourthly, I wouldn’t say I always chose comfort over fashion. I went through a stage trying to keep up with the fashion but at the end, I tend to select the comfortable ones over the scratchy shirts. My favourite winter jacket is my Tassie Tux which keeps me warm and feels super soft to my skin.

What made me quirky when growing up?

When I was little, sitting alone in kindergarten classroom while watching the other kids talk and play with each other. I thought to myself, how did they make it look so easy? As I grew up, I never tried to understand or learn how to talk and play with other kids. I never tried to look or dress like a neurotypical kid at school. I gave up on the idea because I didn’t see myself as how society saw me. I saw myself different from what society expects of me. I didn’t really need basic social life (I still don’t really need it today). It would have been good if I didn’t get bullied at school. I got withdrawn and internalized my thoughts when going through high school and university, for fear of being found out I was different. In every way I was different from the others e.g. my sexuality, gender identity, an introvert.

I was told to behave in a certain way or I would never be able to survive in this world. How could I ever be comfortable in my own skin, when I was the opposite of everything society wanted me to be? I never saw society or the school system as the problem. I had always thought I was the problem. So, I did all I could to hide myself, my real thoughts, to become more like what society expects of me.

If you could see me in any social situation, this is what it looks like: Everyone already hooked up and bonded, while I was desperately looking to connect with anyone at all.

Avoiding school became all so consuming in my mind. But I would still get up and turn up at school, every day somehow. Until this day, I still wonder what pushed me to show up at school and work all this time.

I never made friends easily. Or, more accurately, I had never made friends. I have friends mostly because they were extroverts who took me on as friends. And they allowed me to be in their friends circle.

Some may even display selective mutism, not speaking at all to most people and excessively to specific others. Some may choose only to talk to people they like.

brasic jr.

I finally made a goal of making friends during year 2 of my university. I attempted at mimicking extroverts but failed miserably. I became a laughing stock instead. What was the first thing I did? I withdrew from people. I shut myself down. So, I could internalize my thoughts, trying to think away my feelings.

After graduating from university, I threw myself into my work. I found myself going through life without friends or meaningful relationships again. I remembered I would turn up, unannounced, at a friend’s house. I would sit there on the sofa, quietly without making any real interactions with anyone. I wanted to form relationship, but I didn’t know how.

There is no single treatment – treatment of any form of autism should not be a goal, since autism is not a disease that can be removed or cured. It can only be managed.

national health service (uk)

I had narrow interests and I would only want to talk about my interests. I became a close friend with my best friend, S, because she gave me unlimited minutes talk on Kylie Minogue.

I have a condition called Asperger’s Syndrome, which is like a mild form of autism. It means I don’t interact properly in certain social situations.

gary numan

Autism in Chinese is – 自閉症 – which directly translates to withdrawal or shutdown. It describes my behaviour exactly when I was a kid. My brother even made an observation I had never shared what I was going through with anyone. I kept everything to myself. I internalised all my thoughts. I would also withdraw and shutdown when I get hurt and something unexpected happened to me.

My coach introduced cognitive behavioural therapy to me in 2019. At the time, I had no idea it was a therapy method used for people on the AS. I was managing my social anxiety using CBT, not knowing I was also on the AS.

A lot of my triggers, perhaps all, exist only in relation to our lack of control over them. If I’m running the lawnmower, that is okay. But if it’s my neighbour, then it’s a different story. This can make me sound like control freaks to others, and hypocritical. After all, some of us play in rock bands, or love heavy metal. But that only if we are prepared for it. I can handle an onslaught of sound for a time, but preferably a time, place and sound of my choosing.